This article was reposted from my original blog, speakoftheangel.com. The original post date was June 23, 2022
I've been feeling really different lately. Different from my usual motivated, inspired, hardworking (okay sometimes a little TOO hardworking maybe) self. Maybe it was the pandemic, maybe it's burnout. Or maybe something deeper is going on. But I've been unhappy for quite a while.
I'm not sure how many people can say the same, but I can confidently say I'm probably not alone.
My therapist says that there's so much change that has been constantly going on in the last two years that I can't follow the same expectations and baseline for myself anymore. It's been hard to find my rhythm, and it definitely hasn't been easier since this "new normal".
As I explore what's been going on, and try to find ways to create a "new normal" for myself, I thought I'd document this process on my blog. I mean, what's the point of having a blog if you're not sharing the important stuff right? And as much as I love little outfits, recipes, travels, and whatever other happy things that fill my life—those things just don't make up the whole picture.
So let's dive into the whole picture shall we?
Depression
I've been pondering the meaning and relatability of this word for years. How depressed do you have to be to be depressed? I've always thought that I'm not SAD enough to be depressed. My sadness isn't consistently enough to be depressed. I'm not depressed enough to be depressed. But why does even my "depression" have to be a competition?
Here's the Oxford dictionary definition of "depression":
A medical condition in which a person feels very sad, anxious, and without hope and often has physical symptoms such as being unable to sleep, etc.
Etc. Etcetera. Okay, so what does etcetera entail?
- Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Loss of energy or increased fatigue
- Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)
- Feeling worthless or guilty
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
- Thoughts of death or suicide
I won't get into the nitty-gritty of which of those boxes I tick, but colour me depressed!
Sometimes I think back on the darker times in my life when it was obvious I was depressed. But it's funny because even though I can identify those times clearly now, I definitely did not label myself as depressed during the time. So why is that?
Depression Denial
A FHEHealth article says that "Depression denial emerges from the fear of societal stigma and the fear of "self-stigma", or the terrifying realization that your depression is not going away without professional help...It's been proven that employers hesitate to hire someone with a history of mental health problems."
Makes a lot of sense. Even therapy has only, in recent years, become a mainstream, commonly talked about topic. Why the stigma? How are these things meant to get better when we can't even talk about it?
So here I am! Talking about my depression on the internet. For someone who's been blogging, YouTubing, forum-ing since I was a pre-teen, I still never thought I would talk about this online, ever.
And this is my first step to learning more about it, learning more about myself, and figuring out what to do about it—awareness.
