Recently a male friend of mine asked me "have you ever experienced the ick with someone you dated?" I audibly scoffed when I read his message. I would bet my first child that every single woman has experienced the ick too many times to count throughout their dating lives.
Sometimes the cause of the ick is obvious—always one-upping, big egos, patriarchal comments, slandering their exes. Other times, it can be quite subtle and totally subjective. Cue Kristen Bell saying "I can’t believe I let him touch me with those giant flower-holding hands."
Despite the ridiculousness of the question, it did actually prompt me to think back about all the times I got the ick and whether the lover/date was able to recover from it. Considering none of them are lovers nor dates anymore I'm leaning towards no. My current partner has definitely said and done icky things but I do think there's a difference between an icky feeling vs getting the definitive ick.
What is it?
So what exactly is the ick? The ick [noun] is a sudden and forceful feeling of disgust that changes how you feel about someone instantly. It can be caused by something they did, something they said, or sometimes just by their mannerism.
For example (in case there's ever a man that decides to read this and wants to understand how he can avoid giving the ick, which to do that I'd say "I'm proud of you for being here") I once went on a date where every time I answered one of his questions, he'd respond by one-upping me.
Him: "What car do you drive?"
Me: "Just a jeep—"
Him: "Oh that's whatever, I drive a Mercedes. What do you do for work?"
Me: "Uhh I work in marketing in tech"
Him: "Ah I see, I'm a business owner. I own a business. A company."
Me: "Yes... that is what business owner means..."
Instant ick. Every time I have to tell the story I cringe.
A more subtle and subjective example would be men who wear flip flops anywhere else other than the beach. Is there anything objectively wrong with men wanting to wear flip flops? No. Does it give me the ick every single time? Absolutely. Is it a me problem? Probably!
Keep an eye out
Getting the ick for the first time (especially for a romantic partner) can be a bit confusing. Although it can seem like it springs from nowhere, what we often forget is that our bodies are actually reading subconscious cues from our partners all the time. Their scent, their behaviours, even at times their underlying value systems—we're constantly evaluating other humans in ways we may not realize. If it happens, it happens! Most of the time it can't be helped.
Looking back, I spent a lot of my twenties turning a blind eye to icks, especially with men I was dating more seriously. Most of the time I wanted so desperately to make things work because "momma didn't raise a quitter!"—maybe those icks were trying to tell me something more. From not helping with dishes to talking too much about their exes, can icks point to something deeper?
“A woman's intuition is better than a man's. Nobody knows anything, really, you know, and a woman can guess a good deal nearer than a man.” ― Mark Twain, The Gilded Age
Maybe the ick is really our subconscious trying to tell us something or point a red flag. We hear about the infamous "woman's intuition", so what's to say it isn't a gut-reaction signalling a warning?
Whatever the reason, icks are definitely not new and we've all had them. It's up to you to decide what you do with the information but stay vigilant out there! You never know when it'll hit next.
